when i told them i was coming to visit yesterday, i had this sudden revelation.

this is a love like no other in my life.

a grandma's voice, lights up magic when she hears my voice on the other end. she says, come whenever, and stay as long as you want... and i can tell she means it. i know she will tell all her friends i am coming, and look forward to this visit without expectation. it's only my company she craves, my time, my presence in their quiet space. to read a book together. to play a game. to tell stories. to eat jello and hamburgers on a saturday evening.

i miss the gathering of family around them. i miss the cottage on the lake and the old house on knapp street. i miss all the aunts coming on sunday afternoon with cousins piled in the backseats. long makeshift dinner tables and all of us squished in. passing the beans and cheese plate.

i miss card games after dark, and making a late night pizza to share. i miss doing the dishes, and grandpa napping in the lazyboy. i miss waking up under the same roof, and eggs for breakfast. i miss humming different tunes all at the same time, and her soft soft skin. i miss my brother and the summertime.


i miss the company of family, a hole nothing else will fill. the things i forget sometimes, living life so far from them. the kind of love that you can't explain. that falls on your awareness all of a sudden. a love that overwhelms me with its power, surprising me, making me soft. i breath deep and wipe away tears when i hang up the phone. a feeling that they are not forever. a knowledge that i need this love in all my tender places. a certainty that there is nothing they would not do for their granddaughter. a place i belong.