one summer almost 10 years ago in the backyard of our manhattan rat infested house, my friend tania helped me clarify the emotional heaviness that overwhelmed then. she said what i couldn't say, that i needed people to hold my arms and feet up for me.

i think i understand more of the "why" of my sadness now. and sometimes that helps, and sometimes it pierces too deep in it's strength and presence.

and what i know today is that i need the ears of others to move forward. i cannot cry as deeply when i am alone. i cannot hear the spirit inside as clearly. i cannot take more hard steps without the blessing of another, behind and before.

it's raining once again in so cal and today it feels appropriate. it has been a rough week, and i am taking refuge in friends today. friends that move big tv's so i can watch cheesy movies in a prone position. friends that listen as i explain that the road is too long now. friends that provide the reflection of the spirit that i need so desprately to heal. it is in this mirror that we grow, and i say thank you for holding up my arms.