the color i love.


i wore a peach dress. i felt alive amidst live music and balloons overhead and tablecloths with party favors. i sat next to rick kempinksi and ate dinner served on fancy plates. i danced with mark engman and stared with crush lust at josh stone. i felt beautiful. alive. i was fifteen.

"this is the most fun i've ever had," i whispered to my friend as we waited to be picked up. what i didn't say was that i believed in my gut that i would never have that much fun again. at fifteen, i had a devestating knowledge of my life as finished, closed off to me, unavailable. i was half right. it would be 15 years and thousands of miracles later that i knew differently.


i realized walking this morning that the lie has been undone. i knew it this weekend. when i stepped forwards anyways, and held that feeling again, that i belong at the party. that i have a crush on someone. that i will be asked to dance. the fun of music under my feet, and i never want the party to end.