merry. go round.



i believe in the power of pretending.

it is the balance i need after so much truth finding. so much digging and realizing and accepting. so much scraping off the layers of the stories i once believed. so much hard news and rock bottom again and again.


my dad and i had dinner sunday. he told me my niece and nephew are into "make believe" lately. while my mom played with them, they constructed a trip to go see their auntie. they packed their bags and boarded air balloons in boston. they carried tickets and checked those bags with confidence, because the man will keep them and give them back to you when you get off the balloon in california.


i need pretending. i need to create my own narration, and walk around in it, especially the hard to reach places of my dreams. i need to imagine myself the most accomplished dancer, so i can laugh in the mirror and keep going. pretending is the air under me, the motion forward, even when i have no idea what i'm doing, move the wrong way one more time, feel that my charleston steps are so confused as i'm turned around and around. i need the lift under my chest when things want to cave in. i need to believe new things are possible. i need a pretend ticket to fly on the air balloon. i need someone to carry my bags.


and until i can embrace it all, i will fake it. because this is the childlike play i'm called to. it's the flip of grief, the stuff of faith.