i was at borders again tonight. i found a perfect seat in the corner that feels like my own. although it needs a pillow after about 1 minute, i love leaning against the window and reading for free.

there are lots of freaky looking people at borders, or if not freaky, at least wierd. and lately, i find pink haired, black clothed, goth wearing teenagers endearing in their uniqueness. like in the film spellbound, when they close up on harry's face as he painfully tries to spell some obscure word for which no 8 year old should know the language of origin. he is hyper in his expressions and an expert nose wrinkler, and the judge has to ask him half a dozen times to finish the word.

each of them, the spellers, are so different. as are their parents. and this is what makes the film interesting to me.


so i watched people in borders and found myself less annoyed by older women in extremely unflattering sweatpants, and men with funny glasses. these are the snapshots of humanity that include my own unwashed hair placed carelessly in some kind of updo on a showerless and lazy new years day.


and so i will confess this longing to make space for my own humanity. it is part, i suppose of my impossible dream list. a list that says... if i could be anyone, and it would be ok, celebrated even...


i would wear my hair in pigtails.

i would show my bellybutton, even if i reveal, god forbid, that my stomach is not flat.

i would drink to drunkenness more often, and be silly without caring.

i would wear clothes that don't match, and pretend i have the fashion sense of carrie bradshaw.

i would buy lollipops and give them to my students.

i would laugh at dumb jokes. sometimes all by myself.

i would kiss boys just for fun.

i would talk too loud at the wine bar.

i would befriend people who don't fit, and love them deeply.

i would let my freckles shine.

i would go to the coffee gallery in my pajamas.

i would spend a whole day at the beach reading gossip magazines.

i would have much more fun.




and hallelujah it may be more possible than i thought.