it's been hot here. summer in california. i feel it as i sleep, wait till after 7 to run in the evening, as i play piano with sweat dripping. good for iced coffee and frozen grapes. good for conversations on the front porch and sitting in front of the fan. good for kids to run after the ice cream truck and for adults to stay out late talking in the street.

i had several people tell me recently how "good" i look. an old friend i ran into at target. the woman who cuts my hair. when i was home, many long time friends of our family say i am skinny. (actually i think this one woman said i look much "better" than "before"... when i was so heavy. hmm... ) others use the word beautiful. they smile and say that california must agree with me. this is funny partly because i've been close to the same weight since my college years, but people who knew you back when always seem to be surprised that you grew up. (i do this too... get stuck in remembering people as they were)

and then there is my emerging self that senses too there is something different. i don't think it's so much that i have changed on the outside... (although my biceps are growing slowly) but that mysteriously as i experience the healing touch of jesus, i feel free to know myself more fully. and this is beautiful. and in this knowledge i become beautiful to myself.

this weekend i will wear a new dress and meet strangers at a gathering up north. i will try to remember that who i am is welcome and enough as she is. i will smile when it rises from my left hip, and feel the goodness of the spirit from the inside.